I had mentioned that for a long time, even though I accepted them, I felt like God would send a lightning bolt to fry me for even looking at the deuterocanonical books of the Bible. Last night I had some time to kill so I sat down with the good book and found one to read - straight through. I figured "what the heck" because I know generally nothing about any of them in any great detail. Unlike many I have no idea about the story of the Maccabees for instance. I just never had the chance to learn it. I'll get to that one.
I picked the book of Judith. I read the whole thing in a single sitting. I mean how could I not? The book is fantastic! Its got love, hate, intrigue, suspense, war, revenge, praise of God, and finally victory. I was furiously turning pages because I couldn't put it down. Which leads me to this request:
Mel Gibson, please make this into a movie. You are the only one who could do so with any kind of success, with both quality and finess. You've got the skills and the religious background to do this one serious justice. Since its about the Jews and their victory over the Persian invaders maybe they'll forget you insulting them. It'll also be a big boost in morale for Israel who is once again under Persian threat daily.
For my many Protestant friends and those who just don't know the story, here is my brief synopsis. I'm sure you'll agree Mel should make this movie, and not the guy who did the Troy movie. (shudder)
Summary of the Book of Judith: Nebudchenezzar wanted to go to war with some other King named Arphaxad. So, he asked the countries around him to go to war. They said, "What? What are you talking about? No." He got seriously pissed off. So, he went after King Arphaxad himself and completely obliterated him. Then, in order to get revenge on those who refused to help him in his dirty work, he sent a guy named Holofernes to go out and ravage the countries who turned him down. Thats what he did. He went out and basically obliterated everyone else. Then they got to the Jews, who were living in the mountains and in a time of great faith to God. So, Holofernes asked his advisors what to do. They were all like, "Hey, we can't lose, just do it," but one of them named Achior said, "Um, probably not a good idea if they are right with their God..." Holofernes got pissed again, since Nebudchenezzer had declared himself God. He called it hogwash and sent Achior to suffer the same fate with the Jews.
Achior went to the Jews and told them Holofernes battle plan. Jewish reaction: "Oh crap, let's go wail a bit, but have a party first." They thought they could win but then Holofernes got good advice and shut off the water to the city. People began to suffer and perish. The High Priest and the city elders gave God a 5 day ultimatum to free them or it was quittin' time. Wailing commenced.
Enter Judith. Judith was pretty miffed. She was a widow too, and the decendent of some really important people. Case in point - they took her seriously. She basically said, "You can't tempt God. Let me handle this." They said "OK, go for it."
She got all dressed up and fancy. Took her maid with her and went to see Holofernes. She claimed to join his side because the Jews were going to lose anyway. He liked her and got the hots for her. On the night before 5 days were up they had a party and she was invited. They had a lot of booze. Holofernes got drunk and Judith pretty much ended up in his personal tent with him alone at night. Her maid was waiting outside. Before things got hot and heavy, he passed out asleep cause he was loaded.
Judith took his sword and hacked his head off in two blows. The maid came in and they put the head in a bag. Then she left without suspect because she claimed she was going to pray by the river. Well, she didn't stop at the river. She went back into to the Jewish city with the head.
The Jews were thrilled. They put his head on the wall of the city and then in the morning pretended like they were going to attack the army outside their city gates. Holofernes men came to get him and found his lifeless and headless corpse. They went apeshit and lost control of the army, which began to flee in confusion. The Jews chased down the fleeing army and plundered them. They win. They praise God. Judith gets set for life.
This movie would be AWESOME.